Things you'd like to say to co-workers (that would get you fired)

[Syluxguy28O3]

i hate this thread. i have no idea why.

[OMacKnight]

"Feminism's a joke."

"Hitler had great clothes."

"Anal C.unt is a band." // They really are a band. :v

"Blood on the Dance floor saved my life."

"Sorry? I'm too busy sitting on my ass watching pornography and eating doritos."

"Why don't you get your own fucking food. Damn customers."

"<anything from the film Clerks>"

[MadGypsy]

There is nothing I could say at my current job to be fired. The boss is a total clown and would probably be too busy calling someone fa.gboy to hear it in the first place. We are talking about a man that asked me if I had kids tied up in my rape van and upon seeing my absolute disgust, followed up with,

-"What? That's what I would do if I had a rape van..."
~"It's not a rape van, jack ass"
-"You lack vision."

so...yeah, I doubt there is anything I could say to be fired.

---

Oh wait I have an even better one

scenario: Person (named Pete) is slammed to death with work and complaining about it. With what looked like an entire catholic church of old people in line - Jeff said this (very very loudly)

"Pete, if you don't stop complaining I am going to take you in the back and F*** you in the ass!"

---

My boss is hella F'ed up. I swear on the bible that both of these stories are true.

[RL Clown]

"There are a few times when you are correct, but most of the time, you are an idiot."

"Oh wow. You just found out that I made a mistake with punctuation. What do you want? You want a medal?"

[damage_inc]

"Maybe if your I.Q. was bigger than your shoe size, you could figure out these things easily... things which apparently I take understanding for granted! But hey, I'm a nice guy, next time you got the simplest shit you can't figure out, come ask me... I'll let you know what the f** is going on!" - Said to the "manager"

Oh wait... this is a "things you'd like to say", oopsie's! So far I've said exactly what I've thought and... I haven't been fired yet Always a first though lurking somewhere...

P.S. The in your face SHUT THE F** UP did result in a three day suspension I might add :-P

[H1CC]

Call me 'making a sob story excuse' ONE MORE TIME fucking dick!

This is one of my favorites...
''Look, Boss, I'm not saying that you are 'an unreasonable prick' like others might say but... your way of forcing your way of doing things on other employees... is technically tyrannical in nature... ''


Another good one. Also just to be clear I'm makin' these up as I go along.
They aren't really actual quotes. Just making points about the types of things you would so totally say if it wouldn't make others can your ass... and
do more damage than good in the long run for losing your job even though you got to say what you wanted to say...
''Okay, wait, if you actually know how to do this yourself and have done it before... why are you making me do it? Didn't you ask me to do flowcharting already? Shouldn't I be doing that? ''


Here's a keeper.
''No, dammit, I'm not having 'trouble focusing' in our meetings because I get bored quickly... I'm having 'trouble focusing' because the woman who gives the presentations has like the nicest fucking boobs of
any woman I've seen in our OUT of work... and she is showing WAY too much cleavage for me to be thinking about anything else... Will someone PLEASE get that woman to wear a full shirt so we can finally get some
work done around here? I like seeing boobs at work as much as the next guy, but dammit, this project has taken forever since she came into the picture and I'm tired of doing the same re-repairs over and over... ''


Another one of my faves.
''For what is IN MY BEST ESTIMATE about the FUCKING TWENTY-NINTH TIME, THIS IS NOT A FUCKING OFFICE PHONE, It's my own cell phone out of my FUCKING POCKET, it does not COUNT as making 'personal calls',
because it's MY PHONE, I'm NOT doing it during work hours, I don't EVEN dial up stuff to talk about that isn't work-safe. How would you like it if I DID call up something not-work-safe on the phone,
STILL during down-time, STILL on my own phone HUH? Though I bet if I made a BUSINESS call on the OFFICE phone to 'NAUGHTY NURSE 1-900', SUDDENLY, that would be okay HUH? ''


Finally, one of the old time classics of workplace drudgery, anywhere between 'Office' work and an Alaskan sawmill/lumber/shipping facility's off-field building...
I think whatever it was about at the time, we've all been to that point, where we take rediculous measures to BE SURE that it's really, in fact, EVERY TIME so others can't possibly tell us we're exaggerating...
''Who keeps eating my bag lunch out of the fridge?
I know they told me that it hurts business efficiency to whine about someone stealing your lunch MORE than it does to take time out to track down the lunch thief but come the fuck on.
It's been 3 weeks, every day, every fucking day if I don't just WAIT by the fridge all day for 3 consectuive weeks that my bag lunch gets stolen before I get to eat it.
So stop telling me my excuse is invalid just because it wasn't EVERY day last 3 weeks, it was ONE day last 3 weeks when it DIDN'T happen,
and I LITERALLY moved my office desk to the fridge to see if I couldn't catch them in the act. I didn't catch them but I didn't lose my lunch that day...
No NO I'm not just crying over a bag lunch that isn't that important anyway! I don't even like that stupid sandwhich, banana, and chocolate milk boxes stuff. It's just the principle of the thing..! ''

[Roy Batty]

"Fuck off and die"

"Why don't you do a job you might excel at, there's a mop in the storage closet."

"If you touch my stuff again, I am going to kill you."

"You're all fired!"

[Shadowswift]

"If you really needed a manager to do/answer/fix that for you, you should really re-evaluate your own general capabilities as a functioning adult..."

"...and you're actually my boss?? Hahahaha!!!"

"Do it yourself."

"I'm not your babysitter. Fuck off."

[Lysander]

they hiring?

Haha no, not at the moment unfortunately. I'll fill you in at the time though!

[Syluxguy28O3]

To be honest, where I work you probably could get away with saying that.

they hiring?

[Lysander]

nice tits

nice ass

result=slap in face, jobless, lol'ing

To be honest, where I work you probably could get away with saying that.

[MadGypsy]

"You're an idiot and everything you know is a lie."

yesssss! I am surrounded by the qualified receivers of this information. I work with a bunch of beings that managed to grow hair and (I presume) balls, but do not resemble a man in any way. They have also developed the ability to communicate in my language but unfortunately it is all drivel and cry baby stuff.

[R00k]

i can see your nipples through you shirt

[KillPixel]

"No. Go away."

"Do it yourself."

"Please stop talking. Just...stop."

"You're a nice person and all that...but you're also intellectually bankrupt and totally inept. Please refrain from trying to engage in any important or meaningful conversation with me, it's painful to watch and I die a little inside every time I see it."

"Yes, I farted. If you don't like it don't breathe."

"Yes, I am eating this."

"You're an idiot and everything you know is a lie."

"No, I'm not really a huge football fan, sorry."

"Pro tip: 'anyways' is not a word."

"No, this isn't rocket science, you're just moron."

[MadGypsy]

"I must have brought at least 100 pounds of this stuff home."

"Wanna buy some heroine?"

"Heeeey Bossman {slap on shoulder} so according to your wife, my junk is a lot bigger than yours! I guess everybody is wrong about you being the biggest dick around here after all."

"I was reviewing your workman's comp package..."

(at a daycare) "Did you see a gun lying around? I can't find mine."