Craigslist Bandit

[Phenom]

Bort,

There's no need for violence or threats here.

[Zop]

I wanted to join in the fray, but I had no actual rep to throw around... Hence my post.

Is Gypsy mad? Of course he is! His full name is Mad Gypsy, after all!

[MadGypsy]

:sigh: I'm not mad (as in angry) at all. It's not really that often that I become straight up angry... annoyed maybe but, I'm not some rage machine. It is actually very discouraging to me that you people think this about me. I know it's because of how and what I write... I don't know how to push peoples buttons and simultaneously smile with words.

@Bort - See, I told you you could do it. It's still incredibly illiterate but, I see you are doing the best you can and for that I want you to know that you should be proud of yourself. As far as the subject of your statement goes, I found it incredibly entertaining. It was full of passion and fantasy. You may have a future as a fictional writer. My only suggestion would be to practice spelling and grammar.

Then again, maybe it was dialogue. If that's the case, you absolutely nailed "ignorant gorilla". You made the image of a flat faced tool suffering from a bad education and psychological problems, very real to me. You've made much progress from posting funny pictures, and you did it all in one day. Good for you, lil guy. I'm proud of you.

@Phenom - It's all dialogue. The person that wrote that is very creative and completely full of shit. Not one part of it was true. I would guess that is someone that is well known here, having a bit of fun - playing my game, so to speak. Can anyone say ?Larry Mondello?. I could be wrong about it being Larry but, I'd be very surprised if I am wrong about the rest.

[Bort]

@Bort - See, I told you you could do it. It's still incredibly illiterate but, I see you are doing the best you can and for that I want you to know that you should be proud of yourself. As far as the subject of your statement goes, I found it incredibly entertaining. It was full of passion and fantasy. You may have a future as a fictional writer. My only suggestion would be to practice spelling and grammar.

Then again, maybe it was dialogue. If that's the case, you absolutely nailed "ignorant gorilla". You made the image of a flat faced tool suffering from a bad education and psychological problems, very real to me. You've made much progress from posting funny pictures, and you did it all in one day. Good for you, lil guy. I'm proud of you.

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas, you couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions printed on the heel. You are a canker, an open wound. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You took your last vacation in the Islets of Langerhans. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, and a weasel. I take that back; you are a festering pustule on a weasel's rump. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. You are a technicolor yawn. And did I mention that you smell?

You are a squeaking rat, a mistake of nature and a heavy-metal bagpipe player. You were not born. You were hatched into an unwilling world that rejects the likes of you. You didn't crawl out of a normal egg,
either, but rather a mutant maggot egg rejected by an evil scientist as being below his low standards. Your alleged parents abandoned you at birth and then died of shame in recognition of what they had done to an unsuspecting world. They were a bit late.

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it ever so much more rapidly. If cluelessness were crude oil, your scalp would be crawling with caribou.

You are a thick-headed trog. I have seen skeet with more sense than you have. You are a few bricks short of a full load, a few cards short of a full deck, a few bytes short of a full core dump, and a few chromosomes short of a full human. Worse than that, you top-post. God created houseflies, ****roaches, maggots, mosquitos, fleas, ticks, slugs, leeches, and intestinal parasites, then he lowered his standards and made you. I take it back; God didn't make you. You are Satan's spawn. You are Evil beyond comprehension, half-living in the slough of despair. You are the entropy which will claim us all. You are a green-nostriled, crossed eyed, hairy-livered inbred trout-defiler. You make Ebola look good.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with
you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. You are not ANSI compliant and your markup doesn't validate. You have a couple of address lines shorted together.
You should be promoted to Engineering Manager.

Do you really expect your delusional and incoherent ramblings to be read? Everyone plonked you long ago. Do you fantasize that your tantrums and conniption fits could possibly be worth the $0.000000001 worth of electricity used to send them? Your life is one big W.O.M.B.A.T. and your future doesn't look promising either. We need to trace your bloodline and terminate all siblings and cousins in order to cleanse humanity of your polluted genes. The good news is that no normal human would ever mate with you, so we won't have to go into the sewers in search of your git.

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a loathsome disease, a drooling inbred cross-eyed toe******. You make Quakers shout and strike Pentecostals silent. You have a version 1.0 mind in a version 6.12 world. Your mother had to tie a pork chop
around your neck just to get your dog to play with you. You believe that P.D.Q. Bach is the greatest composer who ever lived. You prefer L. Ron Hubbard to Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle. Hee-Haw is too deep for you. You would watch test patterns all day if the other inmates would let you.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. Spammers look down on you. Phone sex operators hang up on you. Telemarketers refuse to be seen in public with you. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. May you choke on your own foolish opinions. You are a Pusillanimous galactophage and you wear your sister's training bra. Don't bother opening the door when you leave - you should be able to slime your way out underneath. I hope that when you get home your mother runs out from under the porch and bites you.

You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking half-twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You
gormless crook-pated tosser. You bloody churlish boil-brained clot pole ponce. You craven dewberry pisshead ****up pratting naff. You ****ered bum-bailey poofter. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. May your spouse be blessed with many bastards.

You are so clueless that if you dressed in a clue skin, doused yourself in clue musk, and did the clue dance in the middle of a field of horny clues at the height of clue mating season, you still would not have a clue. If you were a movie you would be a double feature; _Battlefield_Earth_ and _Moron_Movies_II_. You would be out of focus.

You are a fiend and a sniveling coward, and you have bad breath. You are the unholy spawn of a bandy-legged hobo and a syphilitic camel. You wear strangely mismatched clothing with oddly placed stains. You
are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just knowing that you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. You are jetsam who dreams of becoming flotsam. You won't make it. I beg for sweet death to come and remove me from a world which became unbearable when you crawled out of a harpy's lair.

It is hard to believe how incredibly stupid you are. Stupid as a stone that the other stones make fun of. So stupid that you have traveled far beyond stupid as we know it and into a new dimension of stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid cubed. Trans-stupid stupid. Stupid collapsed to a singularity where even the stupons have collapsed into stuponium. Stupid so dense that no intelligence can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot summer day on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one minute than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. It cannot be possible that anything in our universe can really be this stupid. This is a primordial fragment from the original big stupid bang. A pure extract of stupid with absolute stupid purity. Stupid beyond the laws of nature. I must apologize. I can't go on. This is my epiphany of stupid. After this experience, you may not hear from me for a while. I don't think that I can summon the strength left to mock your moronic opinions and malformed comments about boring trivia or your other drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of your of what you wrote, because, well ... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things to be difficult. If I had known that this was true in your case then I would have never have exposed myself to what you wrote. It just wouldn't have been "right." Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, EDLINoid, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dyspeptic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, and Generally Not Good.

[Phenom]

Don't you ever talk bad about battlefield earth! John travolta is a f'n god!!

[MadGypsy]

@Bort - "stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective" - you got that right.

[Bort]

You sir are a stupid dumb**** who doesn't deserve a dick. Unless you are a girl then you don't deserve your ****y. Please go replace your pancreas with a bowling ball and skydive into into man-eating animal infested waters wherein you survive without a dick, without a sphincter, without an ear, or even your nutsack. Or better yet, thread a needle with a string, then dip it in saltwater and jam it through your testicles, then put the same exact string in both of your eyeballs where it will mold and cause you to go blind. So then you will need a seeing eye dog named Butch who will chew on your infected nutsack every day for the rest of your life. When you get him to lick the peanut butter off, he'll somehow manage to choke on your tiny little shaft. Then he will die causing you to cry out of your blind eyes and you will be left helpless crying for your dead testy chewing dog in the street while you are mowed down by a guy in a powder blue Prius and live in pain for exactly 666 minutes before you die finally exiling you to hell. THEN (no i am NOT done) Satan's minions will chew out your kidneys and stuff them in your ass that doesn't have a sphincter then when you talk you will sound like Al Quaeda and be pelted with rocks everywhere you go until you are hated enough to be let into the tenth chamber of hell where your immortal soul will burn for tens of hundreds of thousands of centuries without any **** breaks until you ****ing explode and guts go everywhere and your wife (who is not missing you at all cause she's ****ing your cousin Steve) gets hit with your gay ass bowling ball pancreas and she dies and also goes to Hell to be raped by lava demons, where she'll get her **** burned off for eternity, but your soul goes to Super Hell where they convert you to a cat ****ing atheist with no liver and then they will torture you with your dead dog butch's soul and he will chew the remaining pieces of your infected nutsack off until he is forced to chew off your entire dick and shove it down your throat. You'll choke, die, and got to Extreme Hell and have your dick replaced with Hitler's dick and then they send you back up to Earth where you find a sign sticking out of your head that says 'I have Hitler's nuts!' And then when Jews read it they will get their dogs to chew out your new balls and rip off your face and then you die and go to Butch Hell and 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 Butch clones chew your balls for ever and ever and ever! Eventually one of the clones will eat your last bit of nutsack off and you will be crying from so much pain that they kick you out of Butch hell and send you back to Earth where you are forced live in an apartment with over 9,000 gay people in New Jersey until Richard Simmons breaks in your house through your toilet and forces you to do hours and hours of dancing to the oldies. And just when you think it's all over, Carrot Top comes over to do some prop comedy for you. Then, after breaking your leg, a giant koala bear breaks in through your window and chews the other off. Then you, laying there, legless Pedobear breaks in through your shower and pokes a hole in your cheek which he sticks his wang in until there's a huge meteor shower which rips through your body, and leaves you alive to feel nothing but pain and suffering. All other human beings are dead but yourself, and you can't move. Your only food comes from the occasional ****roach that climbs in through a hole in your cheek (that Pedobear made from poking you so much) and walks down close enough to your throat so you can swallow and the cum you got from Pedobear raping you. Then 30 years later, bunch of ass robot-pirate-bears come for you and start poking even more holes in your body 'till you bleed to death and go back to Butch hell where you belong. Then when the Butch clones want nothing to do with you (because one of them ate your testicles off) please skin yourself with a rusty pizza cutter then pour chew tobacco and alcohol all over yourself, shove a rake up your butt and make yourself an anus just to pull it back out and tie it around a stalagmite in which you hang yourself on, then hollow out the inside of your dick and wrap the outer skin around your lips the piss and cum stream going into your mouth, stick needles in your eyeballs and **** up your nose then stick a dagger into both your eardrums and scalp yourself, put a nail on your skull then hit it with a hammer multiple times then tear your jaw off its hinge and nail it to your chin, stretch your uvula out of your mouth then wrap it around your face, cut your face down to the bone and snap both your elbows and knees rib your feet and hand off and stab all the bone ends into your lungs, then cut open your stomach and expose all your organs, grabbing your intestine and making it into a noose, then rub honey all over yourself and watch as hellbugs and hellcrabs and small hellanimals crawl all over you and start to eat you alive for days as you lay in your own stinking pile of **** piss and sperm going into your mouth as hellrats and hellbugs and hellwasps nest living inside your organs and then splash stomach acid all over your face and chew on your own muscles and organs and tongue to prevent starvation and hellanimals crawl through your neck you choke on a hellporcupine and get spikes sticking through your jugulars and throat, then disconnect all your veins and arteries and stick the ends in your nose as blood comes shooting up your nose and filling your skull and shooting out through the small holes in your eyes caused by the needles then after months drown in your own ****. Eventually you'll wake up still with the **** on your face, surprised to see that you have all your body parts and get raped by Michael Jackson who died from looking at your face. then he cums on your bowling ball pancreas untill EVERY Butch clone comes and chews his nuts off and then the Butch clones cum on your pancreas and your face explodes. You come back as a 13 year old sexy Jewish girl in 1945, where you are in a concentration camp and you get gang raped by 666 Nazis and even Hitler himself gets so turned on by your sexiness that he ties you to the ground and smacks your face with his dick, trying to force you to give him a blowjob until he crushes your head and your brains come out and it dries to the ground so you are stuck there being **** slapped by Hitler, Michael Jackson, and your cousin Steve (who turned out to be weaselfan) until he dies and leaves you there until you die and go to hell, Satan rapes your family who is also dead. Then you try to save them and get hit by a warthog and Master Chief rapes you 7 times until his shield goes down and then he gets killed by the Arbiter who also rapes you until you have six new **** holes. You'll then lose all your precious body fluids through your new **** holes and you ****ing evaporate. You wake up in your room, still a sexy Jewish chick, but now you're lesbian and you have a penis and you got Hitler's nuts back. You don't want to be a shemale so you go in your garage and force your dick into a toaster but you just crush and toast your nuts, you are too much of a ****y to finish the job. Your junk now dangle by a small piece of skin which you tear off to use to choke your mom who accidentally eats them and dies and you **** her corpse until her rotten **** infuses with your small pecker and you're stuck ****ing her until you die and go to Incest is Best Hell still ****ing your mom to be raped in the ass by Satan himself who will eventually get his dick infused with your butthole so you'll be walking around with your mom and Satan ****ing you until their members rot off. You pump your mom's corpse's stomach and get your nuts and glue them back on and after escaping the seven layers of hell where you were forced to stick your head up a million goatses, you finally make it back to Earth where you wind up somewhere in Nevada and you accidentally digest a cactus from your rectum and then when you ask an albino for directions to the nearest hospital, he ends up being Pedobear in disguise who rapes you in your ass that is filled with cactus quills and he impales his dick and it gets stuck in there. He tries to squirm it out but it gets ripped off and he dies and goes to some dimension inhabited by horny naked girls. Lucky him. A few weeks later you befriend a black furry, emo, stoner chick and one day you get really high and **** her. She leans over and notices your testicles are crushed and toasted and she leaves you and becomes satanic so she can go to hell and have a several way with your old girlfriend, some lava demons and now a gigantic foot. You get depressed and cut your dick off and bleed to death where you go to hell to see the hot sex both of your girlfriends are (no longer) forced to have with lava demons and the foot. This causes them pleasure but you can't get a boner or whack off because you cut off your dick, dumbass. While you are watching the three get it on in a semen covered gory, footy, orgasm, Hitler comes over, stares deeply at you then whispers in your ear "I want my nuts back" and he grabs your... I mean Hitler's nuts and pulls them until he accidentally pops one of them and his hand gets covered in his own sperm which turns him gay and he starts ****ing you in the ******* but his shaft gets stuck in your butthole with Pedobear's dick and you take a very hard **** and you **** out both of their dicks fall out and you have watch Hitler eat the ****ty, dicky concoction (see what I did there?) and puke them back up until your dick grows back. When it finally does, you develop a lava demon on black emo on feet on your first girlfriend fetish and you get the bad urge to jump in but you can't because you're in hell and all you can do is watch. You can't even whack off to it either or your dick would fall off and you'd have to watch Hitler eat it and puke it until it grows back.

[MadGypsy]

Awww man. Until that last post I was actually convinced there was something to you but, you went from being entertaining to being a waste of time. It sucks, I was probably your biggest fan. I wont give up on you yet though. Play a different note. I didn't even read your entire post and I never half read something. It just became so monotonous {stick, poke, gouge, balls, penis, repeat}.

Cmon man, that's funny for a skit, not a season If you are going to use me for the basis of all your material, you're going to dry up real quick. You already have. I hope episode 19 of Bort has something fresh to bring to the table or I'm gonna stop watching.

PS> You're also degenerating. Less and less care is taken by each passing post. I mean, do you really think your below post constitutes one paragraph? In short, your show is starting to suck.

[Bort:"(see what I did there?)"]

No, I really don't. It was really hard to even get that far. Your story is just a bunch of blabbering nonsense about my coc.k. Do better. Why are you writing stories about my coc.k in the first place?

[Bort]

Allow me to play doubles advocate here for a moment. For all intensive purposes I think you are wrong. In an age where false morals are a diamond dozen, true virtues are a blessing in the skies. We often put our false morality on a petal stool like a bunch of pre-Madonnas, but you all seem to be taking something very valuable for granite. So I ask of you to mustard up all the strength you can because it is a doggy dog world out there. Although there is some merit to what you are saying it seems like you have a huge ship on your shoulder. In your argument you seem to throw everything in but the kids Nsync, and even though you are having a feel day with this I am here to bring you back into reality. I have a sick sense when it comes to these types of things. It is almost spooky, because I cannot turn a blonde eye to these glaring flaws in your rhetoric. I have zero taller ants when it comes to people spouting out hate in the name of moral righteousness. You just need to remember what comes around is all around, and when supply and command fails you will be the first to go.

Make my words, when you get down to brass stacks it doesn't take rocket appliances to get two birds stoned at once. It's clear who makes the pants in this relationship, and sometimes you just have to swallow your prize and accept the facts. You might have to come to this conclusion through denial and error but I swear on my mother's mating name that when you put the petal to the medal you will pass with flying carpets like it’s a peach of cake.

[MadGypsy]

Now, that was excellent. I knew you weren't a moron. And now I'm almost positive you are Larry Mondello. You got me on the wordplay at first... but you did it too much for me to stay tricked.

I may have a bit of a chip on my shoulder. You could write all the negative adjectives that exist, about me, but I'm no liar. I'm also not delusional. I know me. I have a lot of confidence, Bort. It's that confidence that gives me the strength to accomplish things. Those accomplishments give me a sense of pride and I'm no less or more human than any one of you.

You act as if a chip on my shoulder is forbidden. It's no more forbidden than feeling completely worthless is. It's all part of the human condition. We all live, learn and hopefully grow. I've claimed to be and do many things but, I never claimed to be perfect.

" I have zero taller ants when it comes to people spouting out hate in the name of moral righteousness"

I already made it clear. I was a perfectly nice guy when I arrived here (and I still am). Baker wanted demons. I gave him demons. There are lines, man. I'll cross as many as you are willing to. Right after you. I've actually been quite a gentleman. I've never brought it further than he has. He starts a cerebral fight. I continue a cerebral fight. He starts a manipulation fight. I start a manipulation fight. If he started a life fight. I would end one.

Nobody else seems to have these problems with me and no one else is fucking with me either. Curious that. You tried to fuck with me and completely failed. I had your ticket from jump. You never got the fight you were trying to instigate and I called out your show as soon as the dialogue started. It's not about having a fight. It's about meeting people on their terms. Your terms were simple "don't fall for my bullshit". Bakers terms are imposed conflict for the point of conflict.