Song I wrote

[scar3crow]

Works fairly well, however the rhyme scheme does seem to skip in that it opens AAABB which implies stacatto 16th notes with a resounding whole... At least thats how Id do it, let the notes wash over into the next 2 lines about how you werent always enemies, then the main riff comes in and it enters the straight forward 8th note playing and singing.

I dont know what this place is any more
As soon as I step through the front door
I see pounds of drugs on the floor
I guess I'm just washing away the memories
Of all my Enemies!

Definitely stacatto, maybe alternating gallops with a heavy chord struck simultaneously and ringing out, starting at the word enemies.

I wish it was like it used to be
When we werent Enemies

Out of the ringing chords can come the main theme only clean and played by a solo guitar, maybe backed by subtle bass. Then it could go into the same line only in the rhythm strum with mild overdrive and at a faster tempo with the vocals accenting naturally based upon the word ('hate' for example having more of a bite).

Dont come back saying you have fate
Because it will be to damn late

More melodic chords but with the overdrive, ringing but actively strumming with drum fills, sung in whole notes. I would recommend saying "Dont come back saying this is fate", it is less ackward.

You Made us what we are now
And that is how its going to stay
Cause everytime I try to say
What we need to do to work things out
All you want to do is fucking pout

Definitely stacatto, getting more forceful as it goes further into it. The music should get faster as this moves forward, and now would be a good time to interject a musical interlude where it gets into a more complex riff, one guitar letting the notes ring but playing something fairly quick for a few measures, while the second guitar, bass, and drums lock together, the second guitar perhaps using palm muting, providing a uniform triplet stomp for each half of each measure. If the guitarists are up to it, the second one can go into speedpicking the root notes of the first guitarists lines and the bassist will move into the bass line, perhaps a simplified form, of the next section of the music, and the drummer could begin doing fills with a stripped down line. It could be bridged into the next section through a brief drum fill while the guitars and bass stop, and then resume together into the next riff, pulled into it by the drums. This would correlate the music with the lyrical theme of moving on, and it could go lighter or heavier in terms of chords from this point.

I would suggest "I really dont care Im your worst nightmare" as it can be sung in whole notes, or quickly just as well, and if quickly could pull the song into its heaviest section and just piledrive forward the remaining lyrics at a breakneck pace with lots of drum fills and all ending in a percussion style without ringing out on enemies at the end.

Just my brief thoughts.

[QuadRaptor]

Well music IS poetry with instruments. It takes a great mind to come up with song lyrics, so yeah you did a great job!

[Noiz]

Nah not yet... The band is taking a temporary break until summer comes around cause we really have no time to practice...but when summer comes around we are back in business

[Monster]

Nice dood. Is that a song for your new band or somethin?

[Baker]

Nice lyrics, Noiz. Sounds like teen spirit is ever at work *insert el dorko laugh here*

[Canadian*Sniper]

Poetry:d = makes me want to get out my guitar and sing:d

[Noiz]

Kinda take the voice of disturbed and there music and put it with this works perfect

Anyways its called Enemies... HERE YA GO


I dont know what this place is any more
As soon as I step through the front door
I see pounds of drugs on the floor
I guess I'm just washing away the memories
Of my Enemies!

I wish it was like it used to be
When we werent Enemies

Im just trying to put it back together
So we have nothing to whether
But you dont want to cooperate
You just want to keep feeling this hate

Dont come back saying you have fate
Because it will be to damn late

You Made us what we are now
And that is how its going to stay
Cause everytime I try to say
What we need to do to work things out
All you want to do is fucking pout

So now im going to move on
And let this fade into the dawn
But if you try and come back to me
I will let you see

That I really dont care
I will beome your worst nightmare

So dont even try
You'll end up making yourself cry
You wont have no one to hold
You'll be left out in the freezing cold

But through all are past memories
You made us enemies


What do ya think???