GAMEFREAK: A NINJA'S TALE the tourney of the multiverses!

[gamefreak]

Hello everyone, it’s me, Gamefreak. I’m sure you all know I left quake for a while, well, I’ve returned! I have also brought along my THIRD story! As you all know, in my second story, I had 4 kids, and I trained them for this “tourney”. Well, here it is, my third story, the tourney!

GAMEFREAK: A NINJA’S TALE
The tourney of the multiverses!

I opened my eyes, looking at the alarm clock, 5:00 A.M. I got out of bed and looked out the window, looking at deep space. I looked over at my wife, Nyquil, and my four kids, Archie, the only non-ninja kid I have, jay, a true ninja, Amy, and Christy, my two beautiful daughters.

I looked over to Amidamaro, my ninja spirit, who was snoring loudly. I smiled and walked around the giant quake army base, thinking of the battle I had here, long years ago. I then passed HIS room. I opened up his door, and looked at him. It was quadraptor, lying on a metal bed. Quadraptor is a cyborg, and the only Quaker besides Gunter we have left.

I looked over at quadraptor’s battery charger, and then looked at his arm. It said 100%. I pulled a plug out of quadraptor’s chest, and he woke up. Wow, he said, has it really been a year? I smiled, yeah it has. Quadraptor has to charge his battery every 10 years, for an entire year.

I briefed him on the tourney, since he was recharging when I was told of the tourney. Yeah, I’m in, quad said. Quad also just so happened to be recharging when I had my kids. Gunter used an invention of his to make my kids all 13 years old, instantly. I walked down the hall, quadraptor following close behind.

Well quad, here they are, my kids AND Nyquil. His eyes widened. Wow Gamefreak, sure is a lot of kids, quad said, and Nyquil looks even more beautiful than last year. He smiled with his eyes, since a breather was over his mouth. I walked over to them and nudged them. Wake up, sleepy, I said. They opened their eyes, then fell back to sleep. Dad, Archie ask tiredly, why are you waking us up?

Because son, today’s the day, I said, the day of the big tourney. The 5 of them woke up instantly. Amidamaro heard me and woke up too. We all walked out of the room and down the hall, getting ready to…well, get ready.

[gamefreak]

so, what does you guys think? i think made it MUCH easier to read, right? tell me if you enjoy so far ^_^

[Monster]

Yes, MUCH better. Good grammer and punctuation. Keep it up, maybe your stories will be as famous as Quad's someday..

[gamefreak]

i used word check for this story AND my second story, but my last story didn't have paragraphs, making it a HUGE mess. i'm glad this is easier to read, and NO....my stories will never be anyway NEAR as good as quad's

[Solecord]

Much eaiser to read. Suggestion: you might want to vary your sentence structure. In the first four paragraphs, almost every sentence begins with "I <insert verb>..."

[Baker]

Good grammer and punctuation...

You guys, heheh. It's grammar.

New poll time! Proper English or to hell with it as long as people know what you are saying!

[gamefreak]

oh, thanks sole! ROFL i didn't even notice!

[Monster]

To hell with it as long as people know what you are saying. It tks n xtra 2 scnds 2 typ proprly

[gamefreak]

As we walked down the hall, I looked over at my rune blade, hanging on the wall, the rune blade is the ultimate blade created by the four elemental runes. I took it off the wall, and put it in the sheath on my back. Archie got his bow, arrows, and quiver. I gave my 3 ninja kids shuriken and kunai. Kunai are almost like small knives, pronounced (coon-i).

We walked out of the quake base, and we followed amidamaro to the exact spot where a ship comes to pick up anyone who is willing to join the tourney of the multiverses, which is a giant tournament where the different races in the different universes come to battle and show their race is the toughest!

Nyquil looked at me, or at least I sensed her look. I walked by her and hugged her. I might be gone for a while, I said. I stared at her face and thought I saw a tear, but I didn’t say anything. I’m going to miss you, she told me. Don’t worry, Gunter said, I’ll watch over her. Yeah, I’m sure your inventions won’t miss you if you hang out with Nyquil, I said, laughing. Archie looked at something he saw in the distance in the deepness of space. Dad, he said, I think it’s time.

I saw it too. It was big, and grey, and it was getting closer. Gunter and Nyquil stepped back, and Nyquil muttered a “bye” and waved to me and the kids. Quadraptor gave me another one of his “eye” smiles. He pressed a button on his arm, making it into a rocket launcher. I’m ready, he said. A white light surrounded us. Amidamaro nodded and we floated up, closer to the ship. After we got near the ship, we were teleported inside.

It was amazing inside; there were hundreds of different and unusual looking aliens and monsters inside the ship. A very tall, almost, MAN-looking guy walked over to us, he bowed and we bowed back. Nice to see you again, the man said, amidamaro. Nice to see you too, great dashio, amidamaro said (da-she-o).

Amidamaro introduced me, and the dashio was amazed when he found out amidamaro was a mere dead ninja spirit. Well, this is my master, amidamaro said, josh. The dashio looked over to my kids, and said, who might they be, your KIDS amidamaro, and he gave a laugh. Nope, I smiled, their mine. I introduced my kids. Hrmmmm, the dashio thought, so all but one is ninja?

Yes, I said, but Archie is an excellent archer. You might be interested in that ninja over there, the dashio pointed to a man clad in complete black, in the very corner of the large room. He was staring, and he’s BEEN staring at us this whole time we were here. And who might you be, the dashio asked the cyborg, quadraptor.

My name is quadraptor, and I am a cyborg, my body was severely damaged in a battle long ago. It’s nice to meet all of you, the dashio said. Please, follow me, I will show you your room. We walked around the ship, and went to a hotel part of the ship. I bumped into a passing purple alien, and he hissed, but I kept walking. Here it is, your room, the dashio said. We opened the door, and it was like a suite. Enjoy yourself, and please rest, we will be at our destination in 24 hours, the dashio said, smiling.

[Monster]

Another suggestion is to use quotation marks, as in here

My name is quadraptor, and I am a cyborg, my body was severely damaged in a battle long ago. It’s nice to meet all of you, the dashio said. Please, follow me, I will show you your room.

[gamefreak]

i know monster, but quotation marks are a pain in the ass, but, i'll consider it ^_^

[Bank]

A lot of run-ons, not the most "glamorous" wordplay. (A little casual for a ninja eh? I've never walked into the office and been hit with a shuriken.) But MUCH better in readability.

You may want to invest in a thesaurus.

In writing, you shouldnt try to just convey a series of events. You should try to paint a picture for the reader, convey the thoughts, feelings, fears, triumphs, etc. of the characters. It's not the most exciting literature I've ever read.

Names should be capitalized : D

i know monster, but quotation marks are a pain in the ass, but, i'll consider it ^_^

Really? I use quotation marks all the time. Or as Bank whittled away on his keyboard while sighing to himself; "Amateurs.."

: D

[gamefreak]

well, sorry it's not too interesting for you bank, i'm not much of a writer ^_^;
the only reason i write my stories is for fun, and of course, you guys, my audience ^_^

[gamefreak]

hey monster, that purple, hissing alien is sorta a cameo of you ^_^

[gamefreak]

The dashio left us to greet other guest. “Man,” Archie said,” this is SO awesome.” He hopped onto one of the giant beds in the room. “It’s all right, I guess,” Jay said. I looked over to him; he was acting like a real ninja. Quadraptor walked around the room, inspecting it with his mechanical eye, I guessed. We all picked a separate bed, and I laid on my bed, and almost dozed off. “Wait, I thought, “aren’t I forgetting something?” it then hit me.

I didn’t forget something, I forgot SOMEONE. I forgot to get Drago! Drago was a friendly scrag, and I believed she wanted to join us in this tourney. I heard heavy footsteps outside the closed door, obviously the dashio’s. “Yes, this is the room,” he said. I heard a muttered “thank you” from a familiar voice. I opened the door, and saw the dashio…and Drago! “But…but, how did you get here Drago?” I asked. “I heard your troubled thoughts about your friend, so I teleported her here,” the dashio said.

“It’s nice to see you josh,” Drago said. “The same for you,” I said, hugging her. The dashio left again, and I showed Drago around the room. She picked a smaller bed and lied down in it. It’s almost funny watching a scrag try to lie down. I went up on my bed myself, and drifted off to sleep again. ZzZzZzZzZz….”I will kill you and your friends,” a cackling voice said. It was the evil god, shub-niggurath. I have bad dreams every now and then, even though I killed her years ago. But this dream was different, because she said something different at the end.

“I’M…GOING…TO…KILL…YOUR…KIDS!”