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ARQ: “Spawn me a Hero”

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  • ARQ: “Spawn me a Hero”

    Artifact Rune Quake: The Revenge of Shub *****rauth
    “Spawn me a Hero” by James C. Smith

    Single player, the only area the controllers of the multiplayer universe domain cannot control. The lone player wanders around through the single player maps of Quake with all the cheat codes on. He mutters obscene words about the admins of Planet Quake as his auto aim targets a zombie. He fires away with his rocket launcher and gibs fly upward. “Frigg’n dumb-ops. How dare they ban ME from every server in the MGU!”
    The Multi-game universe, or MGU, is the collection of every multiplayer 3D game created since 1994 until 2030. Planet Quake fits in the Old School solar system which includes all flavors of id’s Quake games, Doom, Unreal, Tribes and almost any other game you can think of from that era. The worlds are so vast that there are not enough admins to control it all. So a government of administrators was created and subsets of police run the show. Players using cheats or abusing the system face being completely removed from the entire universe, doomed to playing single player games forever. While the system in place keeps order, once in awhile entities are created that dominate entire planets, even whole solar systems of games. This government is often required to call in on some strange characters to help save it.
    “Can we get back to me? All I can do is play frigg’n single player! I’m banned everywhere!”
    Ad-Knome, as he was known, slowly walked into the exit, having defeated all the monsters he cared for. He was quickly spawned to the last level.
    “Aw geez, after this it means I’ve beat every single game in single player! There has to be more to life than this!”
    Ad-Knome made quick work of the monsters using all the cheats in the book and finally he came to rest looking at the final monster with his giant 3 tentacles waving up in the air.
    “This has to be the stupidest final boss in all of gaming history!”
    He began to shoot it with the lightning gun and flew over it and landed on top.
    “No wonder you’re the dumbest rune in Rune Quake. You’re like a giant stupid squid or something! No special moves, you just sit there!”
    Ad-Knome laughed loudly as he continued shooting into the monster. Suddenly the entire level began to shake and Ad-Knome fell into the lava. He quickly flew up before he died.
    “What the hell?!” He yelled.
    The three pronged mass slowly started to rise from its fixed base. The walls of the level began to expand and the roof rose up to infinity.
    “Oh hell!” Ad-Knome screamed as lava rose up around him faster than he could move. As he began to burn up he could make out a strange figure under the lava with him. “Shub *****rauth…???!!”

    “It’s a most interesting discovery!” Chimed Charles of the NYUK clan.
    Charles was one of the administrators of Planet Quake charged with the duties of keeping the game fresh and interesting. For 10 years he’s made Rune Quake the planet’s primary modification and infused many special players with permanent powers to help him keep things under control, but for the most part he’s the one screwing things up and causing the trouble.
    Charles stood before a control panel he had installed deep under Planet Quake’s surface. Before him stood a giant id software logo and a restoration prompt. Duck and Lee were in the room observing him while Boom was testing out the new female player model in the backroom.
    “What, did you find more female models?!” Lee said rushing to the monitor.
    “No, even better, I was looking through some of id Software’s archived back ups and I’ve found the original plans for Quake. I’ve also found some interesting information out…”
    The three paused as they heard Boom jumping constantly in the back room.
    Duck grew annoyed, “Hurry up in there, I’m next! Charles, can’t you spawn more than one of those women?!”
    “Look here, it’s known that Quake originally started off as a medieval game, but it seems that it was only 25% finished. Due to hardware limitations everything was scaled back. However many aspects were created only to never be released to the public due to performance issues.”
    “So they thought a Voodoo 3 couldn’t handle it?” Lee added as he looked up at the restoration process on the screen. “What’s this oldone.mdl file? That’s the Shubhat isn’t it?”
    “It is the Shubhat… but this version is over a gig in size.” Charles said with a glazed look. He turned to Lee and Duck whose jaws were dropped in shock.
    “You mean 1,000 megs?!” Lee said with surprise.
    “Wholly cow!!”
    “That’s small, you idiots!” Boom yelled from the back, “My tooth brush has 500 gigs of memory in it! Sheesh!”
    “But we’re talking about in the 1990’s, Boom…” Charles said softly. The tension in the air was so thick no one spoke.
    “Huh! Huh! Huh…”
    “Boom what are you doing back there that’s taking so long?!!” Duck yells.
    Boom walks out as one of the ugliest females in all creation. The other three suicide in response.
    “What, is my makeup that bad?” Boom looks at himself in the reflection of the monitor and vomits all over the controls. “My head… it’s like multicolor jello in a blender! BLEEEH!” Boom vomits into the controls again. Sparks flew out and the computer beeps, the message “Restoration complete!” flashes on the screen. Suddenly the ground begins to shake sending Boom bouncing into the hallway. “Ahhh! I’m so ugly the planet is going to explode!” Boom quickly makes his way out the door and up to the surface where he’s surprised to find the entire landscape to have changed greatly. The sky seemed to stretch forever. Lee, Duck and Charles walked up looking up in the air with astonishment.
    “Hey guys, what the hell’s going on with the level?” Boom asks casting his glaze over to the others. All three of them died on the spot. “This is kind of cool, like a The Look of Death…rune.. thing..”
    “Boom, get out of that ugly model!” Lee yelled from his dead corpse.
    Boom ran out further and the ground suddenly began to shake again. This time in short bursts like foot steps. Boom’s ugly female face rippled nauseously with each impact. Boom vomited again.
    “Geez, you had to describe my face like that?! It’s still fresh in my memory!”
    Silence fell over the area as a huge shadow covered the sky. Boom looked up silently as a giant 3 tentacled mass pointed down at him. An unholy monstrous roar played, like ten thousand toilets being plunged with crashing cars. Boom recognized the thing.
    “Shubhat! What are you doing here?!”
    It slowly moved away showing it was connected to an arm colored exactly the same, only it continued up into the sky attaching to a shoulder which had a chest and a whole body and a head with billions of eyes and tentacle like dreadlocks.
    “HOW DARE YOU MOCK SHUB *****RAUTH!!!” A deep glass shattering voice wailed.
    Boom continued to look upwards at the gargantuan beast. Boom’s animation stopped playing as Shub *****rauth brought his head down to look at him closely.
    “What’s wrong? Why are you so still?” The giant monster puzzled.
    Boom’s body suddenly changes to a dead pose as apparently he unplugged his internet connection in a quick attempt to escape.
    Lee and Duck respawn and run over to where Boom was.
    “HELL!!!” Duck screams as Shub *****rauth looks over at them.
    “And I thought Chthon was huge!!!” Lee yells as he begins to open fire with a barrage of rockets.
    Shub *****rauth laughs as he brings his giant foot down on top of the two, killing them instantly.
    Overhead Charles has entered into God Mode and observes Shub *****rauth standing on the planet. The monster is taller than the planet is thick.
    “No wonder the file was so big…” Charles scratches his head for a moment, “I had no idea Quake could handle such giant models…”
    Down below swarms of Quake players open fire on Shub *****rauth, who opens up with a gigantic hole in his chest and fires billions of lava balls.
    “You’d think id could’ve been more creative in their attacks…” Charles rubs his chin in thought… “I wonder… could I…”
    "It may disturb you. It scares the willies out of me. " -Slartibartfast

  • #2
    Lee and Duck run for cover as a shower of lava balls blot out the sky. Several hours have passed with no sign of defeating Shub *****rauth.
    “We can’t defeat it! What do we do?!”
    “Maybe if Boom grabbed a quad and activated his Divine Wind rune he could do a little damage to it?”
    “No good, the last time he did that he blew up the planet, remember?”
    “By the way… where is he?”
    “I don’t know?”
    Suddenly a giant stage spawns in front of them. Charles appears with a giant grin on his face.
    “Hahaha! This is going to be great!” Charles giggles.
    “What is that for?!” Lee asks with a panic.
    “This is how we’re going to defeat Shub *****rauth!”
    Lee and Duck look at each other as the entire planet goes dark. Shub *****rauth looks down as a small spotlight appears on the stage. Piano music begins to play slowly. One of Charles’s female player models appears in the light.

    Where have all good players gone
    And where are all the gods?
    Where’s the street-wise HPB
    To fight the rising odds?

    Isn’t there a hell knight upon a fiery steed?
    Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need…

    The stage lights up as several backup singers spawn in cheering together in tone.

    I need to spawn a hero
    I'm holding out for a hero for the end of Shub *****rauth
    He's gotta be strong
    And he's gotta be giant
    And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
    I need to spawn a hero
    I'm holding out for a hero to end the monster’s wrath
    He's gotta be sure
    And it's gotta be soon
    And he's gotta be larger than life

    Thousands of teleporter lights begin to appear around the stage rising up to the sky. A giant wire frame model of a player appears, including a giant bomb above the head.
    “Is that going to be a giant version of Boom?”
    “I can’t believe it!!” Duck snapped, Lee looked at him puzzled, “Don’t they know musical numbers don’t work in written stories?!”

    Somewhere after midnight
    In my wildest fantasy
    Somewhere just beyond my reach
    There's someone reaching back for me
    Racing on the thunder end rising with the heat
    It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

    As the song continued playing Boom’s textures form covering his entire body. Shub *****rauth swings at the body, passing straight through it.
    “WHAT IS THIS?!” Shub *****rauth yells.
    Boom’s foot suddenly begins to move and it hovers over the land, crushing a large group of players. Shub *****rauth grabs Boom’s throat with his three tentacle hands. Boom’s giant pixel eyes focus on the monster’s face, packed with eyeballs like really nasty black zits on a teenager’s face. Boom pukes billions of gibs into Shub *****rauth’s face.
    “ACK!! HOW DARE YOU?!! I’M GOING TO… I’M GOING TO…. BLEEEH!” The monster vomits up billions of fire balls killing all the players below him.
    Down below Lee, Duck and Charles respawn.
    “How did you do this so quickly, Charles?” Lee asks.
    “I’ve been doing this for 10 years, I’m THAT good.”
    “But wait, how is Boom going to defeat him, Boom only has one attack.” Duck injects.
    “Charles, tell me you thought of that.”
    Charles activates God Mode.
    “Charles?” Lee snaps with panic. “Charles?!”
    Shub *****rauth launches his lava ball attack at Boom, who runs to the other side of the planet, only to find the monster face to face with him again. Boom grins as the monster lunges forward to attack again. A loud clicking noise echoes through the entire planet.
    “What was that noise?” Some player asks.
    The sound chimes again.
    “Boom… nooooooooooo!!!” Lee yells.
    Charles, in God Mode flies through space fast as possible, exiting the solar system and far out as the edge of the Universe. Suddenly everything behind him glows bright with an explosion so massive it consumes all sight.
    Charles is left at his console prompt which reads “Disconnected from Everything.”
    “I’m pretty sure I’m going to get fired this time…”

    Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
    Out where the lightning splits the sea
    I would swear that there's someone somewhere
    Watching me

    Spawn me a hero.
    "It may disturb you. It scares the willies out of me. " -Slartibartfast


    • #3
      Heh... that was funny


      • #4
        Originally posted by the_f0qer
        Heh... that was funny
        Thanks for reading. I was going for humor on most of it. I think it's pretty okay for only 2 edits.
        Last edited by IEEE 802.11; 08-01-2006, 07:27 PM.
        "It may disturb you. It scares the willies out of me. " -Slartibartfast


        • #5
          I know that song. My mom would blast that sometimes.
          BTW I've red all ur "comics".
          lol ^^


          • #6
            The_F0qer wrote:

            Read* :d Yes! I corrected someone! Woooohhhooo!!!


            • #7
              haha! oh noes! Joao is out for revenge! Joao I just want to tell you that I have never made fun of your spelling. If other people show proof of me doing so, they are all liars and they are stoopid.:d


              • #8
                I know C*S,you're my bro man (by the way,just Bank corrected my English until now) :d

                ''Until now''. Is that right?


                • #9
                  Let's see...
                  *skips everything posted*
                  Oh wait, look, the person who actually read this thread mispelled the word "read" yay! That's what this thread is about Weeee! *Posts crap*

                  Come on guys... read more!
                  "It may disturb you. It scares the willies out of me. " -Slartibartfast


                  • #10
                    lol... someone edited my post.
                    And if not, very shameful a Brazillian should correct me on my English. ROFL.
                    (fly, I'm not saying Brazilians are stupid, I'm saying English is'nt your native language)
                    I wonder what Charles is going to do now. Boom blew everything up.
                    edit: IEEE, you're not alone. I may be the only one who read Quadraptor's story "Igzo Zanghard (SP)". If I was'nt the only one who read it tere might have been 1 or 2 more ither people that did lol.


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by joao93
                      The_F0qer wrote:

                      Read* :d Yes! I corrected someone! Woooohhhooo!!!
                      and to correct YOU, it's "the_f0qer" not "The_F0qer". Hah.


                      • #12
                        Awww....not my fault! I didn't remember how to write your name out!


                        • #13
                          Ok, now did anyone read this and/or like to comment on this? (the stroy)