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  • Writings of a helpless maniac

    I want to preface this by saying that this post isn't meant to be a whiny sad piece about how everyone should pity me or how I'm in such a terrible state, because 1. I'm not trying to actively seek attention with this thing, and 2. There are people who are in way deeper than I am, and I'd rather not invalidate their experiences by blowing this situation up. I'm not suicidal, nor am I cutting myself, or anything extreme like that.

    A few weeks ago I went in to speak with a therapist and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I've been getting help frequent enough to the point that it's starting to retract and I'm feeling a lot better (at least, for the time being). But today I feel like I lost control and did some things that I'm not particularly proud of, things that I'd rather not state here.

    Which brings me to why I'm posting about this on a forum for a first-person shooter that came out 20 years ago: do any of you have advice? Is there anything I can do beyond talking with a therapist and other people? What can I do to better myself in God's year of 2016? Any help her would be appreciated.

    YOU'RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT...

  • #2
    I can maybe help you. I used to suffer from severe anxiety attacks. To be clear of how severe... My skin would blanch pure white, I would become cold but sweaty and I would be convinced that for no good reason I was going to die. I would become out of control in these situations and completely freak out. It wasn't something I could help....or so I thought.

    I'm not big on doctors/therapists/etc. I'm not saying that people shouldn't use them but, it's not my thing. One day I was sitting down feeling perfectly normal talking to friend of mine and an anxiety attack hit. I didn't want this person to know about it so I mustered every bit of strength in me to disguise it. It was VERY hard. The spell came and went and I continued along with my day as normal.

    That night I was laying in bed and it hit me... I maintained control over this problem. That gave me confidence. I'm a bit eccentric (surprise! lol) and I actually hoped for another attack at that moment just to see if I could control it again. It didn't happen that night but, it did happen again and I controlled it again. It was still very hard. I was at a concert and I believe the heavy bass gave me the anxiety attack. It doesn't matter what it was, I controlled it.

    From that point there were numerous attacks at random times over the next year or so. Every last one of them, I steeled myself, went for the ride and just stayed on the horse. Funny thing though, the more I accepted what was happening and reasoned with myself that it's all "fake" (ie I'm not really gonna die) the shorter the attacks became. I started to realize that the more you let yourself freak otu, the worse it's gonna be.

    To make a long story a bit shorter, the attacks became less frequent and less powerful. At this point in my life it has been easily 15 or so years since I have had an anxiety attack.

    My advice for you to try is this:

    1) accept it, accept it like you would accept it if you got too drunk or high. You know you wont be drunk or high forever so you don't freak out when you get too drunk or high. You know it will end.

    2) Acknowledge your victories. If you get an attack and ace it use that experience to give you confidence for the next time

    3) Don't try to control it. It just makes it even suckier. I may have beat the freak out a couple of times by controlling it but, in reality it's just going to make it all that much harder. Instead of focusing on it and trying to contain it, just ride it out. Try to ride it out with great acceptance, almost like you've made peace with it. Like you are letting it just pass through you and you are indifferent to it.

    I can't promise you that these things will work for you. I have no degrees or extended studies in anything dealing with anxiety. All I can tell you is this worked for me. We all have different thresholds in this world. What felt like the end of the world to me might not even phase you and whatever you are going through right now could be astronomically more severe than what I was going through. I'm not trying to downgrade what I went through cause it was actually pretty damn aggressive but, I did want to illustrate that we have no control to base the difference between my attacks and your attacks on. So, my advice could even be the absolute worst advice ever for you and you need to decide PDQ if that is so cause, handling it my way could potentially make it a hell of a lot worse for you. You may really need meds is what I'm trying to say.

    I wish you luck, brother. I do not ever want t have an anxiety attack again and I can truly sympathize with your condition.

    I remembered something else. If you are doing recreational drugs. STOP! and be prepared to have some of the worst anxiety attacks ever when you do. You have to be real strong, man. Convincing yourself you need that drug to curb your anxiety is just shoving you more in the hole. It's not the drug it's the imbalance it creates in your system. You need to try and rebalance, get healthy, do healthy things. If you need to quit drugs I can help you with that too but it is miserable. I was miserable for THREE YEARS when I quit drinking for good. That's how long it took for my system to balance out. I did it with NO support, NO AA, NO friends. For me, it started by believing the exact opposite of everything AA tells you. As soon as they told me to admit that I am powerless I walked out. On my way out I was saying something like "Powerless? Powerless to a bottle of fuckin liquid! This place is a joke." They wanted me to admit that I will always be an alcoholic and a bunch of other nonsense. I (all of us) am an amazing creation of God and I'm supposed to believe and admit that I have no power over liquid. I've been sober for over a decade and couldn't give 2 shits about alcohol. I even generally work in a bar and I don't drink! SUCK IT AA!

    The next time and if you ever meet someone who is in AA pay real close attention. Often times these are some incredibly weak, falling apart people. I mean on the verge of just losing it all. I'm not saying every last one of them but, many. What else can you expect when you convince people they are a slave to liquid? How fucking weak is that? My message is opposite. You are super powerful and a slave to nothing. Drop the bottle and deal with the suck for as long as it lasts. Don't count days or any of this other nonsense. Just fuckin quit and when you do make it a "that's it, time to move on" situation. You don't have to count days cause whether you quit for 1 day or 50 years the point is you quit. You aren't more or less quit than someone else with a different amount of days.

    AA has you focusing on your problem, making it a constantly apparent problem. My method has you leaving it behind you from the moment you quit. You drop alcohol like some annoying girlfriend you are sick of instead of treating it like an ex-wife that you can never get rid of due to the kids. When you dump that girl you might think about her from time to time but you probably aren't going to call her. It's hard, man but very very possible.


    You aren't helpless or a maniac. You need to get that through your head right now. You are actually super powerful beyond your own understanding and turning yourself into a "case" is ruining your power.

    :end rant.

    "Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
    Last edited by MadGypsy; 04-30-2016, 02:03 AM.
    http://www.nextgenquake.com

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    • #3
      I can't imagine how you feel because I have never had anxiety or depression, but I have sympathy for you. There isn't much advice I feel I can give you without risking doing you wrong in doing so, so I'll say this.

      Be careful on the internet. I'm sure we've all heard this advice before, but a lot of the time when posting about anything on the internet, regardless of what you're posting about, you're going to get some people that want to do nothing but post hateful and negative responses. If you get that kind of response at a time where you need encouragement the most, the result could be detrimental. Just be careful out there buddy.

      Also, human interaction is very important. If you are having bad feelings or need to talk to somebody, I would suggest doing that in real life first. That being said, I'm not trying to say what you did here was wrong at all. This is a community that has a lot of very supportive people in it, and that shit posting negativity doesn't really exist here.

      Hope you have a good day. =]

      Comment


      • #4
        DeathMaster meditation + yoga may be useful

        in 2011 , I was going through a severe depression and this combination helped me a lot. I left the practice then , but resumed this year because I had other problems (drugs, general dissatisfaction, lack of energy, loneliness). I'm fine now .

        Best Regards!
        the invasion has begun! hide your children, grab the guns, and pack sandwiches.

        syluxman2803

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        • #5
          I was dealing with some depression over a failed relationship for a couple of years. It was only pretty recent that I pulled myself out of it. I did it by forming a personal relationship with God. I started going to church, focused on cutting some bad habits, and am actively trying to be a better person, particularly in the 'helping others' department. I started listening to happier music and occupying myself doing more productive stuff (learning guitar at the moment). I've been getting a lot more involved socially (BBQs, church events, and what not). But what drives me the most now is having a goal in life: being a classy, God-fearing man and spreading that influence, and one day starting a family and raising more classy, God-fearing kids. Lord knows this world needs more people like that.

          Now I'm not saying I don't enjoy heavy metal, violent games/movies, or getting rowdy with old friends. There's nothing wrong with that. But there's a time and place for everything, and I wasn't making any time for the real positive stuff that pushes you forward in life.

          I'm not a Bible-thumper. I don't believe going to church automatically makes you a good person. I'm definitely not the 'Holier-than-thou-art' type. But my advice is talk to the good Lord, ask Him for help. Sure wouldn't hurt to try, and I think you'll be surprised. I know I was/am when I finally put some faith in Him.
          'Replacement Player Models' Project

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          • #6
            Originally posted by MadGypsy View Post
            I can maybe help you. I used to suffer from severe anxiety attacks. To be clear of how severe... (and so on and so forth)
            Thanks. I mean, there's a lot here that I can read over, so it's good to know that I'll get at least a few answers to some questions.

            YOU'RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT...

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Dutch View Post
              I was dealing with some depression over a failed relationship for a couple of years. It was only pretty recent that I pulled myself out of it. I did it by forming a personal relationship with God.
              I suppose reaffirming my faith would help, I haven't had the best track record with my religion in the past so I'm not quite sure how I'd get back into that without it complicating a lot of things socially and work related.

              Then again, I suppose the concept of a vast nothingness after death doesn't really help with someone's depression, would it? I'd like to go back to church, even if just for a little while, and I've considered having confessions and talk with somebody who's have that kind of priest-like compassion.

              YOU'RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT...

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              • #8
                Did you know that even in the Catholic bible is says to confess your sins to God? Yet the Catholics practice confessing them to a man. Only God can forgive your sins, brother. To be clear, I'm not at this moment trying to bash Catholics. I am just stating a true fact based on the rule book we are using.

                And actually, according to that book, Jesus specifically is in charge of forgiving you of your sins, considering he is the one that died on the cross for them. Really think about that. A long time ago the proclaimed son of God died so there would be a way for you to be forgiven. Without his death you cannot be forgiven. Yet, some man intercepts your plea for forgiveness, robbing Jesus of your apology. Not that it matters cause Jesus wants you to repent not confess. Confession would be like a rerun for Jesus. So really the Catholics have it all backwards even though it's right there in the bible they are using.

                OK, maybe now I'm bashing catholics. Don't hate me too much. I think all religions are just brainwash institutions. Religious and Christian are 2 very different things. Christian means you try to live your life following Christ. Religious means you live your life how some institution has claimed is the truth. All religions answer to the Pope in some way. The Pope's official title is Vicar De Deus. It means "In Place of God". Pretty much the last man on Earth I would be following. That guy is going to burn in the deepest pits of hell. If you believe in Hell.
                Last edited by MadGypsy; 05-01-2016, 03:24 AM.
                http://www.nextgenquake.com

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by MadGypsy View Post
                  Did you know that even in the Catholic bible is says to confess your sins to God? Yet the Catholics practice confessing them to a man. Only God can forgive your sins, brother. To be clear, I'm not at this moment trying to bash Catholics. I am just stating a true fact based on the rule book we are using.

                  And actually, according to that book, Jesus specifically is in charge of forgiving you of your sins, considering he is the one that died on the cross for them. Really think about that. A long time ago the proclaimed son of God died so there would be a way for you to be forgiven. Without his death you cannot be forgiven. Yet, some man intercepts your plea for forgiveness, robbing Jesus of your apology. Not that it matters cause Jesus wants you to repent not confess. Confession would be like a rerun for Jesus. So really the Catholics have it all backwards even though it's right there in the bible they are using.

                  OK, maybe now I'm bashing catholics. Don't hate me too much. I think all religions are just brainwash institutions. Religious and Christian are 2 very different things. Christian means you try to live your life following Christ. Religious means you live your life how some institution has claimed is the truth. All religions answer to the Pope in some way. The Pope's official title is Vicar De Deus. It means "In Place of God". Pretty much the last man on Earth I would be following. That guy is going to burn in the deepest pits of hell. If you believe in Hell.
                  x2 bro!

                  As gypsy said, being a Christian and being religious are two extremely different things. Jesus can and will help you if you go to Him directly, I guarantee it. There's not a single man on Earth that can do what He can.

                  In true Christianity, there is no doctrine for you to follow, no one requires you to sacrifice or to be perfect. Jesus did all that so that you wouldn't have to, because let's face it, it's not possible.

                  Of course, sometimes it is nice to talk with a pastor. He may be able to assist you in getting closer to God. But that will likely be his main focus. At the end of the day, he'll be pointing you directly to God (if he's a good pastor).
                  'Replacement Player Models' Project

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                  • #10
                    @Dutch - you aren't "wrong" but, I do not fully agree. A "pastor" is going to lead you according to the institutionalized beliefs he has been trained to puke.

                    In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

                    If God is in you, the word is in you. I find it amazing that the bible is full of hints that the rest of the bible is nonsense.

                    The bible tells you to pray to no one but God and then it tells you to pray to a man. Then it claims that man was God but he referred to God as his Father... Only Satan would have you following something so contradictory.

                    If you find yourself in constant confusion, it's because you aren't following the truth. God wants you to recieve him and follow him. To confuse you would be self defeating. Which is why it is the perfect tool of The Adversary (Satan). I am not a Christian. I'm actually a Satanist. Ironic right? Do not confuse Satanism with Devil worshiping, they are not the same thing. I worship myself, feed my desires, do as I please. Do what thy wilt is the whole of the law.This makes me an adversary (satan) to the laws of God. In an ironic twist I firmly believe in God and love him. I am a slave to my flesh and make no effort to overcome it.

                    The grand majority of the world are Satanists and have no enlightenment to the facts of themself. I am a realist. I do not go to church on Sunday, repent my sins to a man and confuse myself into believing that I can do whatever I want as long as I keep doing that. I am not confused into believing that the opinion of my peers regarding my righteousness will play any part in my judgment to come. I firmly recognize that God is either in you or he is not and there is no ACT or WORK that we can do which will allow God to enter us but there are many acts and works that will push him away.

                    My advice to anyone seeking God. Throw your bible in the garbage. Lose your religion. Get on your hands and knees and beg God to forgive you for what you have done. Ask God to open your heart and mind to the truth. Live your life in a way that would please God and make it a point to spend time with God every day. Constantly seek to be better and have council with God regarding what he expects of you. If God puts it in your heart to grab a bible or join a church, then and only then should you do so.

                    Always remember, especially when following a religion or forming beliefs YOUR SOUL IS AT STAKE! Even regarding what I'm telling you, whether I am right or wrong and whether you agree or don't YOUR DECISION ULTIMATELY EFFECTS THE JUDGMENT OF YOU!

                    With such a high stake you would think you would want some ultimate guidance from the source not some fucking "religious" man or a zillion edits/translations book compiled by a "religious institution" serving an Emperor. The same institution that controls all organized religion to this very day.

                    Watch ALL religions bow to the Pope. You are being played.
                    [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcrkQ5fcNP4[/ame]

                    Now look at one of MANY pictures of this man worshiping Mary (The Goddess). Notice the multitude of fools behind him that have no clue what this man is actually doing or how it contradicts their own bible. Nowhere in the bible is Mary referred to as a Queen. Why is Mary wearing a crown? Simple...that ain't Mary and even if it was he has absolutely no business doing this. But it's not Mary, it's The Goddess. Note the Dagon Mitre on the Popes head. Yet another Pagan symbol for Dagon the fish God.


                    “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them",



                    According to the bible, Jesus was crucified and resurrected on the 3rd day. According to the Pope's staff Jesus has been hanging on the cross so long it bent the cross.
                    Last edited by MadGypsy; 05-02-2016, 05:08 AM.
                    http://www.nextgenquake.com

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                    • #11
                      @gypsy

                      Yes, there are several (if not most) pastors that are not directing people to the Word. And yes, you are definitely right that God is in us, IF we accept Him. Which also agrees with your last statement. I am fortunate enough to have found a church with a very down-to-earth pastor who doesn't put himself above others. There is no pious-ness or judgment being passed within the church. It's full of very normal, honest people. I do understand that that is not a common characterstic of churches, unfortunately.

                      And you are also dead right about the futility of works that save us. Jesus saves, men (and what men accomplish) do not.

                      As far as judgment, this is where you have to be careful what Bible you go by. The gospel states if you accept Christ, love Him, believe He rose from the dead, and confess all that with your mouth, then you absolutely will be saved. It's a promise and a gift, straight from the Word of God. No amount of work, or deeds, or ill-doing you do in life will change that. There are no footnotes to that statement. If you break every commandment, sleep with a different woman every night for the rest of your life, cheat, lie...anything else you can think of...but you truly believe in the gospel, you're getting into heaven. Now, specifics aren't given. How you live down here will likely determine how well you do up there. But as long as I don't wind up in the other place, I'm happy However, I do believe we are supposed to try and better ourselves and follow Christ's example. I don't look at this as a "get out of jail free" card (even though it quite literally is).

                      I go by the King James Version bible. It's the only bible I trust. There's a lot of history behind it showing it was directly translated into English from the original Hebrew and Greek testaments. It is the Word. These other versions are exactly what you claimed: they cause confusion through contradiction.

                      And I would not consider myself a Satanist, because I do try to be Christ-like in certain aspects of life, but I definitely understand where you're coming from. In all honesty, I doubt God really cares what we call ourselves so long as we get to know Him.
                      'Replacement Player Models' Project

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                      • #12
                        It's 'trolling hour' (between midnight and 4:00 in the morning, when the people with nothing better to do do most of their 'arguing on the internet' stuff) and DeathMaster is still looking for help.
                        I bet he's pained a little by the fact you foks would rather argue about religion than help him with his Depression.
                        Last edited by H1CC; 05-02-2016, 01:31 AM. Reason: fix for how I named the wrong OP!

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                        • #13
                          who's arguing. Dutch has been my bro for over a year. We're sharing opinions and beliefs. Don't mistake my expressive post for even being TO Dutch. It's to everybody interseted.

                          And actually, I'm on an errand. Walking & "texting". I need my snickers and cold drank.
                          Last edited by MadGypsy; 05-02-2016, 02:44 AM.
                          http://www.nextgenquake.com

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                          • #14
                            If you break every commandment, sleep with a different woman every night for the rest of your life, cheat, lie...anything else you can think of...but you truly believe in the gospel, you're getting into heaven

                            Am I reading this correctly or was this poorly written? Is that a "stupid to think" statement or are you implying you believe that is possible? If the latter, you are completely lost, brother. That's the kind of brain dead new age thinking that's gonna keep the majority of the world out of heaven. That's exactly the tricks of Satan I am talking about. You can't do any of that shit and expect to even see the gates of heaven. I really really hope what you were trying to say is the opposite of what that sounds like. I am astounded you would believe such a complete contradiction to the laws of God.

                            If you like the Bible you might want to read the part that says NO sin shall enter the kingdom of heaven. Or how about when Jesus said "Go ye and sin no more". Go ye and sin no more supposedly straight out of Jesus mouth is the antithesis of what you just said. What part of repent, be baptized and spread the word of God has any congruency with your statement? They aren't called the 10 suggestions, man.

                            I am a Satanist and I find your quoted statement offensive. Imagine what hardcore Christians living every moment of their life for God think of it.

                            @ I don't look at this as a "get out of jail free" card (even though it quite literally is).

                            NO! It quite literally isn't. You are spreading some seriously dangerous lies, bro. You have no business poisoning anyone's mind with this garbage. Sorry, I like you, bro but, the things you are saying are insane. You are basing your entire argument on one line of the bible and ignoring EVERYTHING that Jesus taught. Everything God COMMANDED. Who told you this complete gibberish and why do you believe it? According to your bible God sacrificed his only son so there would be a way for you to be forgiven for your sins and your belief is that you can abuse that to death as long as you believe Jesus existed and died! Are you on crack?

                            I'm gonna pray for you man and I don't even pray. You are so lost you couldn't find yourself in a mirror.

                            I apologize for the harshness bro but, everything you said sounds like it came straight from the Devil himself. The things you are saying are the ultimate extreme example why you should stay as far as you can from any religion. You just perverted the entire message and laws of God in like 3 paragraphs.
                            Last edited by MadGypsy; 05-02-2016, 04:39 AM.
                            http://www.nextgenquake.com

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                            • #15
                              There is a new study out that suggests that most people don't have free will.

                              Your brain tricks you into thinking there is a decision to be made, but there really isn't.
                              And then the brain rewires your memories to support the idea you made a decision.

                              Free will could all be an illusion, scientists suggest after study shows choice may just be brain tricking itself | Science | News | The Independent

                              If true, it isn't that people who want to change things about their life, can't do so. It is more that it was never option to begin with.

                              Actually being able to enact change requires:
                              1) Understanding yourself and others and seeing where the puppet strings are.
                              2) Understanding the world, as if it is a box of legos.

                              Some people end up doing this around the age of 5 to 8 years old. But if you didn't, you will never be able to do so (no exceptions) because it isn't something that can be taught, it is an inherited behavior pattern.

                              And the best you can do is imitate other people --- or at least what you think would imitate them, but in reality it would be a poor imitation because you don't have the right kind of eye to see the actual "puppet strings" of cause/effect/behavior and it would be like a "cargo cult" imitation --- like a child's idea of how a rocket works isn't actually how a rocket works.

                              /Or so goes the theory.
                              Quakeone.com - Being exactly one-half good and one-half evil has advantages. When a portal opens to the antimatter universe, my opposite is just me with a goatee.

                              So while you guys all have to fight your anti-matter counterparts, me and my evil twin will be drinking a beer laughing at you guys ...

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