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I've found my new home

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  • Admer456
    "You had a fascination with someone who didn't pay attention to you. Big freakin deal."
    It happened when I was 12! I couldn't do anything about it. It was my first.

    I'm sure that I'll be way more careful next time, because I've changed. I'm no more a sensitive, stubborn, opinionated crybaby like I used to be. Okay, maybe I'm still stubborn and lazy, but that can change too.
    Text doesn't give me panic attacks any more, for example.

    My "crisis" in 6th grade ended the year after. I changed as soon as I had discovered mapping for Counter-Strike. I thought "Why should I care for someone who has no interest in me, when I have this?"
    So, I stopped caring about her and my life simply improved.

    "Get back on the saddle, stop feeling sorry for yourself."

    I'm already on the saddle, you just aren't aware of it. I've just never been on "the saddle" before, so I'm still learning how to ride.

    For years, I've been afraid of buying food for myself during lunchtime. I completed the entire elementary school (1st to 9th grade) without ever exiting the building during lunchtime. We don't have canteens and kitchens here. Kids go out and buy food for themselves. Ever since I'm going to high school, I've been improving a lot. I just used to be scared of awkward situations, and I'd always go somewhere in the town if someone else went with me, or forced me to go. xd

    So, I can say that I'm definitely proud of myself for getting over these problems I've had since my childhood. As for getting a girlfriend? Well, the time will come, it's just not now.

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  • Dutch
    Bro, I've said it before. You do not know what a broken heart is. You do not know what love is. You had a fascination with someone who didn't pay attention to you. Big freakin deal. If that's all it takes to put you through the ringer, be glad you haven't lived my life, or just about 75% of the rest of the world's lives.

    It's time to cowboy up. Get back on the saddle, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You don't like something, then change it. That simple. There is no counter argument or rebuttal to this statement. That's the cold hard truth, no two ways around it.

    Pardon the blunt speech, but sugar coating this ain't gonna do any good.

    Leave a comment:

  • Admer456
    I'm just not interested in having a girlfriend now. I'll probably worry less about my looks in the upcoming years. I used to look a lot worse, and look at me now. Compared to the 12-year-old me, I'm much better.

    Fine, I get it what you say. There's lots of fish in the sea, you just have to try fishing. And then comes the cooking part, of course.
    Listening to heavy metal? Naaah, I'm too lazy to switch. I've grown up with too much turbo-folk (south-Slav romantic songs) that I barely listen to anything else. Game OSTs, Vietnam War rock and some more rock are exceptions, though.

    It's hard to describe the exact genre I can't switch from. But I'm certain that it's one of those reasons why I was so sensitive back then. People sing about break-ups, falling in love, bringing flowers, missing their 'only ones' etc. It puts some saturation on my emotions, you know. xd

    Now you've just posted something unrelated. What's the point of it?

    I'll not do suicide. It's a waste of resources, potential, and other people's feelings. If someone wanted to do suicide in my country, people would literally slap him and say stuff like "Stop fooling around!". I had implied that I will accept the truth as it is, not end my life.
    I find suicide more embarrassing than sad. People have certainly had problems, but there's always a solution to a problem. But not everyone can handle some things.

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  • Focalor
    Originally posted by Admer456 View Post
    blabbedy blabbedy blah blah. <--#8 seems cool and attention grabbing.
    Last edited by Focalor; 11-06-2017, 02:57 PM.

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  • TheKillingJoke
    You will live and learn a lot in the next few years and you will change not only in the next years, but through your entire life. Even if your base is the same, you will expand, update and upgrade yourself your whole life long. Don't make the mistake to think you won't make any other self-developement than to the point of now. It will go on, if you let it and work for it.

    You can overcome your low self esteem. Maybe you will soon be tired by feeling like the stereotype that you decribe yourself as, and go to experience things that lead to other and more positive developements of your personality than you think. You will have a real girlfriend. There are a few billion people out there. So, a few billion (half of them are women) to one Admer. You technically can't dodge a relationship with a woman. Nearly impossible Unless you're gay, but that difference is smaller than the most people think (pun intended!).

    And by the way, some humans have fur in amounts equal to those anthropomorphic creatures. And fleas. So what's the problem :-)
    And listen to an awful lot of Heavy Metal. That helps too :-)

    Have a good time, have a better time than you think.


    Leave a comment:

  • nahuel
    rejection is going to happen, ALWAYS. So being afraid of rejection is a waste of time. When you're interested in having a girlfriend, keep that in mind. People don't say yes to everyone who proposes something to them We are naturally selective, and women are also selective.

    "Also, an ugly slimeball like me will never be able to have a real girlfriend.
    (look at my profile picture, see how ugly I am!)"

    I've seen some very ugly people with very pretty couples. If you are neat, dressed up, without virgin beard, perfumed and with the correct body posture you don't have to underestimate yourself. The person underestimates himself or herself in order to be right at least on something that will come true. It feels better having the security of being a failure to venture into what you don't know.
    Be brave, you're young. Enjoy your youth.

    Leave a comment:

  • Admer456
    Rejection is what discouraged me. In 6th grade, I fell in love with a girl and she just didn't care.
    That automatically made me think that I'll never be able to maintain such a relationship with a girl.

    I'm not going to try! I just don't have time for that crap! Studying and mapping are my number one priorities. Studying during school, and mapping during the winter and summer break. Once the time comes, I'll look for girlfriends. I just don't want to bother with it now, because I have more important stuff to do.
    Also, an ugly slimeball like me will never be able to have a real girlfriend.
    (look at my profile picture, see how ugly I am!)

    In south-Eastern Europe, by the way, people just adore teasing you and will almost always find a way to make fun out of you. Not my classmates, luckily. They still make jokes which try to piss me off, but way less than my classmates from elementary school.

    "If you don't like the high school environment and feel like a weirdo there"
    I actually really like the high school environment, so...

    Leave a comment:

  • nahuel
    When I was a teenager and in a terrible hormonal and emotional state, I just fell in love with the most beautiful girls at school. Of course, they knew and never cared. Rejection is a terrible thing the first few times, it's a fatal thing. It hurts like hell. But as you get a high rejection score in your stats (and some victory points) you become emotionally more stable and give importance to the real thing
    Staying locked up in social fantasies could stagnate much more. Come on, you're in time to maybe meet real girls, and be -probably- rejected. I don't want to discourage you, but many of us (and we are above 25 i think) are adults and we were rejected many times by many chicks in our adolescense. Think on Dark Souls, you will die many times before defeating a final boss! BUT WHAT A PLEASURE AND EUPHORIA IT GIVES TO DEFEAT A FINAL BOSS! A furrie does not reject because it does not exist... That fantasy may not help you too much.

    If you don't like the high school environment and feel like a weirdo there, you can find another group of people (where girls for god's sake) to socialize. Maybe here in Latin America people are friendlier than in Eastern Europe, I don't know, but I'm sure you can find that "breakfast club" of special people, even at school. Don't generalize about others, people often have amazing stories to tell, and it's usually great. You may need to be as open as you think others need to be with you. I think it's 90% feedback.

    Leave a comment:

  • Admer456
    That's just what you see. I'll never meet a girl, I'll never get married. I'll die alone, without kids, grandchildren, anything. Maybe my brother will have children, so I'll be an uncle at least.
    The high school, though, is epic by itself. It's not one of those boring, general high schools, but it's more focused on tech, electronics and I.T.
    It's something I really like and I'm looking forward to all of the programming and technical classes. My fictional characters will not affect anything. So, by doing what I love, I'll enjoy this good part of my life. Don't you worry about that.

    Also, I'm not "cool". They just like me a bit more than usual. I care more about the fact that the teachers like me, though.

    What else could happen? While growing up, I couldn't socialise at all. I live in a village, which is a few kilometres away from the town where I went to school (and the high school is in a city, 30km away). There were simply no other kids in the village, and I couldn't hang out with my classmates. So, I pretended that I was in video games and I would imagine the characters being by my side. Of course, that was when I was 7 years old or so. I had to do something to entertain myself.
    I don't do it now. I'm just telling what caused it. These days, I entertain myself with mapping, studying and chatting with people.

    Speaking of woods, I do it once or twice a year. There's a nice forest nearby, so I sometimes take a walk.

    Anywho, I forgot to mention that I'm also in this Discord server which has 4 or 5 furries, who are also mappers. They occasionally discuss Quake mapping, but their main focus is GoldSrc and Source. How interesting. Furries aren't bad if you look at the right places, hahaha.
    Last edited by Admer456; 11-06-2017, 06:05 AM.

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  • Dutch
    Son of a bitch. I'm depressed that there are kids these days who can be so incredibly impacted by a video game. Get out in the woods, son

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  • Focalor
    Thing is... you're in high school. In school, shit like being accepted or popular or "cool" matters. But in the real adult world which happens AFTERWARDS, none of that shit matters at all. You'll get a job, you'll go to work, you'll come home, you'll do it everyday for the rest of your life, and it'll become a boring monotonous routine, and we ALL do it. And after about the first 10 or 15 years of it, you'll finally get so cold and dead inside that you will have no choice but to stop giving a fuck about what other people think about you. And then you'll be able to have all the imaginary friends you want, and no one will judge you for it because you won't tell anyone about it because you know they don't fucking DESERVE to know anything about you. And maybe if you're lucky, you'll meet a nice girl who will be a nice girl at first, but eventually she'll become a psychotic overbearing bitch who will run your entire life, and you'll bend to her every whim because it'll be preferable to being alone. And then you'll grow old, have a bunch of annoying kids, and die while trying to squeeze out a massive shit on the toilet at work. And we'll chuck you into the dirt, cover you over, and forget you ever existed.

    Life sucks. Toughen up. Enjoy the one or two good parts while you still can.

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  • Admer456

    I'm so sorry, but your concerns are just invalid. I understand them, but how come you don't understand that nothing what you said has to do anything with my future?

    It all started out with my cancelled Half-Life mod (don't look, it's embarrassing because it was 2015, my first year in modding). I was writing the story and I thought of adding a female character who would help the protagonist. And the character was just so great that I fell in love with her.

    Another thing you just couldn't understand is the fact that I don't really think much about her, and I'm not addicted to her. Jody is more like "fan fiction in free time when I have exactly nothing else to do" than an obsession (and trust me, I was never obsessed with the characters I imagined, nor any other imaginary characters. Slenderman is probably an exception because I believed that he was real, but that was 6 years ago).

    She's just a mod character which I like a lot!
    Once I'm a bit older, I'll get interested and probably look for a real girlfriend.

    "Most people consider a relationship a major bookmark in their life. You are willing to give up your chance to have that for a fantasy relationship with a dog-woman that can NEVER satisfy you or be there for you in any way."

    What!? No. Jody is more like a placeholder until I get a real girlfriend. Everyone in high school (yes, I'm a highschooler now) likes me because I'm such a fun guy, so that's a good sign that I'm making progress in my social life. The teachers like me, too.

    "You seriously don't see a whole lot of problems with this? You want to be in a relationship with a dog, red flags?"
    That's because there are literally no problems. You're assuming things and your assumptions are just incorrect.
    I don't want to be in a relationship with a dog. I just like to think about my mod's story and add more details into it, because I'll work on a Far Cry mod when I get my new PC. My 'girlfriend' isn't the only one who I think about, in regards to that. I think about the other things which happen in my mod's universe.

    "It makes me sad that you found a group of enablers. One day you will have to be a man, bro and this isn't helping you grow into one. It's for real fucking you up."
    No reason to be sad. You might think it's all "owo nuzzles u" in that server. No, it's a server just like any other, except it has furries and people sometimes talk about furry topics.
    They're calm, they like my fiction, a few people admire me because I'm a modder, but most importantly, there are almost no bad parts over there. There is furry porn, but they made NSFW channel just for that purpose. I just don't go there.

    "Are you ready for the stage where you can not become aroused unless your girl is dressed up like a dog or something?"
    If "my girl" were dressed up as a dog, the opposite would happen. I'd never be ready for that. You're just getting the wrong understanding of me. I don't like fursuiters, really...

    "I pray that you lose interest in women with fleas and gain an interest in real women."
    She doesn't have fleas. The way she was converted into a furry just makes it impossible for her to have fleas, because her fur is quite specific. The result of 25 years of research and experimentation. Yes, I thought about the mod's story that much, but I only added a piece every day or two. It was like a small hobby.
    Now, I'm not really thinking about the story (therefore, Jody is out of consideration, too), as most of the details are in my memory, and I just don't want to think about them any more. I'll probably just write them down and pay attention to them when I pick up work on my mod.

    "No matter what I say you shouldn't be suffering panic attacks from reading it. This is a sign you already can't cope...and it's so bad that just words will take you out."
    Oh, no no no, I've changed. That was because I've never really been in such a situation. I just took other people's opinions way too seriously.

    Each post made me think, but your latest one just disappointed me. You think that I'm obsessed and addicted to thinking about her and that I love furries and nothing else on the world. That's just wrong. I'm a mapper like any other, but I just like the design of anthropomorphic animals and I have a great imagination.

    I hope you'll understand that I'm on the lowest levels of being a furry and it will stay that way. It's just fiction, fiction which will never conflict with my real life.
    You've just made a bunch of false assumptions, which I tried to correct now.
    It's normal to think like you did. Nobody here knows me well except cd5ssmffan. You just don't know the context and you overthink everything about the furry part. Mentioning furries just associates people with all sorts of things. I'm just on the better end of all of that, but everyone seems to think that I have serious problems because of what I said earlier.

    I just want to say that there's really nothing to worry about.

    "NONE of this is an attack on you. To the contrary, it's a plea for you to gain understanding/realization."
    After all of what I've said, it's really neither of those. I know that you want to help me, but they're just your false assumptions.
    Now, you might think that I'm the one who doesn't understand, but that's just not the case. I think I corrected most of your assumptions here, so I'll say no more.

    I've changed. Simply put, I've changed...

    Leave a comment:

  • Focalor
    Panic attacks, LOL. In my day, we just called it being a püssy. Don't worry, I'm sure some drug company makes a pill for it.

    You come here and share your freaky weird personal bullshit on a very public messageboard, and then get upset when people respond to it? I think you took that action fully expecting the reaction it got. You were seeking attention. And now you want more attention for it, thus this special thread dedicated to it.

    I like to smear Crisco all over my naked body and have Thai ladyboys wearing rhinestone underwear and native american feather headdresses hose me off with waterguns.


    Oh noes, people responded and call't me weird. Guess I'll go have myself a suicidal gesture to get the sympathy and attention I crave.

    Because it's the in-thing now to be a victim. And if you can't be the victim, you can always be equally as cool by being the person donating to the charity or getting involved in the social activism thing-of-the-moment. Together, we can all stamp out bullying and republicans and homophobia and islamophobia and white people.

    Seriously... you come from the place that brought us such wonderful internet memes as the bright and cheery "Chechclear" video. Imaginary anthropomorphic animal-women kinda don't fucking matter.

    So long story short... get over yourself.
    Last edited by Focalor; 11-05-2017, 03:51 PM.

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  • MadGypsy
    I wasn't trying to give you panic attacks bro. I know what you are referring to. I hope one day you look back in life and agree that having an imaginary girlfriend at your age is quite odd and probably not healthy. Add in that your imaginary girlfriend is a creature that doesn't even exist and it's probably time for a councilor. I remember what I said. It was pretty brutal and I apologize for that.

    I'm glad you found a home, bro. Just keep this in mind. If I was an axe murderer and I found somewhere that accepted me as such it doesn't mean it's ok to be an axe murderer. Your thing isn't on axe murderer levels but, that doesn't make it right, healthy or productive to your development. I pray that you lose interest in women with fleas and gain an interest in real women.

    It makes me sad that you found a group of enablers. One day you will have to be a man, bro and this isn't helping you grow into one. It's for real fucking you up.

    NONE of this is an attack on you. To the contrary, it's a plea for you to gain understanding/realization. The destroyed world is programming self destruction into your head and you think it's creativity.

    How long do you think before you start having sex with animals or eventually find a girl that you expect to dress up like an animal?

    Are you ready for the stage where you can not become aroused unless your girl is dressed up like a dog or something? This is real shit. This is the type of future you can expect the deeper you entertain and fantasize about this stuff. You think it's creative. Your mind is being turned to mush, bro. Your future is being destroyed. If your very relationships are with imaginary animal people what and how will you make things work in this world full of real people?

    I wish you could see. You seem like a good kid.Your imaginary gf is not your idea. It was put in your head with highly suggestive pictures of half animal women and if we want to get conspiratorial it was put in your head on purpose by evil mother fuckers that are trying to destroy society, family, gender, race.....Basically, you are falling for a trick. One that is designed to destroy your life and make it impossible for you to be equipped to deal with reality. It's already working. No matter what I say you shouldn't be suffering panic attacks from reading it. This is a sign you already can't cope...and it's so bad that just words will take you out. Please, please, please recognize the whole picture and make an effort to take your mind back. Most people consider a relationship a major bookmark in their life. You are willing to give up your chance to have that for a fantasy relationship with a dog-woman that can NEVER satisfy you or be there for you in any way.

    You seriously don't see a whole lot of problems with this? You want to be in a relationship with a dog, red flags?
    Last edited by MadGypsy; 11-05-2017, 08:46 AM.

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  • Admer456
    started a topic I've found my new home

    I've found my new home

    Whoever is left, in this ghost town, might remember an incident, which I pretty much caused. I remember having mini panic attacks every time I entered the site after that, until the update.
    So, just to make 100% sure, I won't bother you ever again. Not even mention it after this thread. Now I know where to talk about such things.

    I basically found a place for such needs. People there really like what I tell, and one of them wanted me to tell all of it, in detail. One of them admired my imagination. :3
    I was actually surprised because I expected everyone there to behave like total jackasses or something. But no, everyone is mostly calm and cute, and they love hugs!

    Most unexpectedly, I met a fellow Bosnian on that Discord server. And I found out that I go to the same high school as him. Well, the world is so small. I had a dream that I met him. And the next day, I actually saw him and decided to take the chance. Great, it was my first time meeting a person IRL after meeting them on the Internet. It would usually be the opposite, or without the 2nd part. And no, the guy hasn't played Quake yet. He might.
    I really like it in there.

    This is not a goodbye in any case. Once I'm temporarily free from school, I'll look forward to working on 4Way and possibly writing mapping tutorials in Bosnian (as if ANY south-Slav will EVER read that). And the mapping might go quicker. The money for my new PC has recently arrived, and I really will buy the parts soon, I hope.

    So there. I won't bother you people with very personal things any more. I found people who will gladly read that stuff.

    For people who don't understand what happned: I wrote a small sentence in my introduction in that introduce yourself thread, which caused a slight storm of new posts on that topic. It was basically about furries and my fantasies, so...
    Yeah, I'm feeling happy, now that I've found a place for it.